WELL BEHAVED CHILDREN
by Susan Beninate
"It is not the tone of your voice, it is the consistency of your actions that convey your instruction to your children."
We have been considering those things which need to be constant, the same all the time, in the process of training our children. In RULE#1 we discussed the importance of never rewarding bad behavior. I hope you have already employed that rule and have recognized it's effectiveness. It doesn't take children very long to know which kind of behavior will get positive results.
Children really do want to be pleasing to their parents, they recognize early on that when Mommy & Daddy are happy, everybody is happy. It simply has to be made clear to them which things are pleasing and which things really don't matter. Too often we send mixed signals to our kids by allowing the circumstances to dictate how a particular action will effect our response. If we're in public we respond one way and at home there is a different response. Or on a very hot and uncomfortable day when everyone, including Mommy or Daddy, is cranky, there is an angry response to an action that only brought about a mild rebuke when everyone was more comfortable. That brings us to the second very important rule in child training RULE #2.
RULE #2 BE CONSISTENT !!!!!!!!!!
It's vitally important that the children know the rules. They can't be expected to follow the rules if they have never been made aware of them. When you set down rules for children, don't get the idea that if they are very young they won't understand. The word "no" with an unhappy expression on the face of the parent is easily understood by the youngest of children. Confusion comes when it is "no" today and "yes" tomorrow. Sometimes rules have to be made as we go along because it just isn't possible to foresee every situation. So, the first time the child is corrected for doing something that you never want to see him do again, that's the time for an explanation. When children are old enough, it's good to explain, set down a rule and then ask the child to repeat the rule back to you. This way you know he has heard you and understands the rule. You might even ask, "Do you understand what that means?" I'm often surprised when I ask my nine year old if she understands what I just told her. She listens so intently and really seems to know what I'm saying but I might just have one word in my explanation that didn't make it on to her vocabulary list just yet. I've given her permission to interrupt me if I use a word she doesn't know.
I don't believe the time of the first offense is the time to discuss consequences. As parents we should trust our children, let them know we trust them and expect them to obey us. I'm not so naive as to think it will never happen that the children will test us or try to break a rule thinking that they won't be caught, but our actions cause them to live up to our expectations, good or bad. If we begin the very first time we correct an action by telling them what we will do if they repeat that transgression, what are we saying? In a child's mind that would say, "Oh, you mean you expect me to break the rules and do it again?" If there is a second time, it's our job to sit down IN A CALM FASHION and remind them of the rule. Remember, it isn't the tone or volume of your voice that gives you the authority to make and enforce rules, it's your position as the parent. Therefore, yelling and speaking to your children like you don't even like them is NEVER necessary. You might say, "I'm very surprised that you did that because I told you the rule. Since you broke the rule, there has to be a consequence." Make the penalty fit the crime. (We'll talk about this in a later article.) Be sure the child knows that this will always be the consequence if there is ever a future violation, not that we expect one! When you make rules you must be consistent in enforcing them. The consequence must always be the same. If there is ever a time that your rules are bent, or not enforced, the children will continually test you to see if you’ll let them slide one more time.
It’s interesting to note that when there is a change in any rule or situation, the children will start testing everything to see which rules still apply. For example, when a new baby comes into the family and the normal routine changes, the other children will immediately start testing everything to see what is different and what has remained the same. The same thing occurs after moving to a new home, or after the holidays or any other event that changes what the children have come to know as normal routine. Don't feel that you have lost control or that they have forgotten everything you've taught them, it's just their way of adjusting to change. As soon as they see that you aren't changing the rules and that you intend to remain consistent in your discipline, the testing will stop and life will return to normal.
I watched a man at a neighborhood park with his young son who looked to be about three years old. The father was continually barking commands at his son, "get over here", "don't throw that", "don't climb there", "don't interrupt me", "you better listen to me!" All of those commands were followed by no action at all on the part of the father. Of course the young boy never responded to the father's commands. He seemed to be desensitized to his father's shouting. The father finally looked at me and said, "He never listens, no matter how much I yell at him. I guess that's how kids are today!" I didn't bother to tell him that I know lots of children who aren't like that at all.
It is possible to raise children who are anxious to please you and to obey any request you make. Just remember a few very important guidelines. Never raise your voice when you are correcting them. Always correct the children privately, you don't want to embarrass them in front of others. No matter what you're doing, consistently correct inappropriate behavior. It's often very tiring or inconvenient for you, but consistency pays off.
Consistent discipline develops character and self-control.
Direct questions or comments about parenting to: pastorssb@ctkusa.org